Updated: Apr 21, 2020
SO IT’S MY 25TH BIRTHDAY!!!! I usually don’t get super excited about my birthday and I love keeping it low key. I just like having my close family and friends together for dinner and then maybe hit some bars and obviously a great cake. Duh.
This year- I had a genius idea. I couldn’t think of what I wanted for my birthday dinner- burgers didn’t sound like the best option (though I do love a good burger and fries) and I didn’t want a fancy dinner either. Plus, having about ten people getting together- it’s hard to make everyone happy and even though its “my birthday,” I’m a people-pleaser and want everyone to be happy. SO I decided to have breakfast for dinner! All the works- a big batch of scrambled eggs, tons of bacon, crispy potatoes, toast and jam, fruit, mimosas. I can successfully say it was a crowd pleaser. IT WAS SO GOOD. So simple but life’s all about those simple pleasures- amiright?
Of course I’ve been planning on my cake for this entire month. My favorite bakery in Detroit is For the Love of Sugar. It’s honestly so amazing and they have delicious gluten-free and vegan options so right up my alley. I don’t get to hit up their store too often, I mean if I did I’d be there everyday. They’ve got cake, cookies, brownies, macaroons, coffee, and just crazy good baked goods.
I’ve seen their customized cakes on their Instagram and fell in love immediately. I couldn’t decide on a color scheme so I just had them design it for me. It turned out perfectly! I loved the color scheme and it was so simple for my taste. I got their “birthday cake” flavored and of course, gluten free. I love me a good “yellow/vanilla” cake. Ugh I can’t wait to come home and have more.
I think one of the most important parts of your birthday is not only spending time with people you love/who love you, but TREATING YOURSELF. This day is all about YOU! You can do whatever you want and nobody can say anything. Have all the cake you want. Have all the coffee you want (in my case as well- I def got that free coffee from Starbuck this morning). Do nothing or do all the things. Have your green smoothie for breakfast or have ice cream.
Six years ago, when I was completely submerged in my eating disorder, my day went like this-
I believe I skipped class, which was pretty typical of me during this time. My birthday was a Friday I think. I laid in bed for a few hours, probably watching a cooking show on Netflix or doing an obsessive and obnoxious amount of research on restaurants to go to that night with my friends. I was so nervous about what to order, the calories, making sure I got something “healthy” and “allowed” by my eating disorder. I honestly don’t remember anything else about my day- it’s all a blur probably because I was so wrapped up in the anxiety of food and not being “allowed” to have a dessert.
I felt I needed to stay in control and letting myself “slip” would only result in a downward spiral, I told myself. So that night, I went out with two of my best friends. I hardly touched my dinner and then for dessert I had fruit. FRUIT. Like a tiny bowl of it. Now there’s nothing wrong with having fruit for dessert if this is what your body is craving and it’s not coming from a place of your eating disorder or disordered behaviors, but for me, this was not my norm. I always looked forward to having cake, ice cream or cupcakes- something of the sort.
That’s a birthday I’ll never be able to get back. But over time, I’ve been able to forgive myself through thanking my body each year for carrying me to another birthday. Through counting moments and people in my life that show up. Thanking my body for being strong enough to show up for a 6am workout on my 25th birthday and absolutely crush it while being surrounded by friends. Being grateful and blessed to have a body that now enjoys all the cookies and cake- not only on her birthday!
No, not everyday am I in this mindset. Not everyday I like my body. Sometimes I still catch myself hating it. I don’t know if it’ll ever be 100%, but that’s okay. As long as I promise to be a bit kinder everyday. Sometimes I still get anxiety over food- it’s so normal, especially in recovery. Just tell your eating disorder or your negative thoughts to fuck off and that you can do whatever the eff you want with your body. I’ll always look back on my 19th birthday and wish I were present and able to enjoy the treats life has to offer.
Six birthdays have passed and each year I make promises to myself to move forward with recovery. It’s not easy. It’s not simple. It’s messy. It’s frustrating. But the cake in the end is all worth it.